dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
