My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
