did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
