Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
