worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
