I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
