I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
so much tequila, so little girl.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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