im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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