She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
