didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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