I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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