blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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