why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
