so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
