I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
