can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
