it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
