Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
