Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
one might say we're banned from that church
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
