I wish I could punch you in the face.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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