So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
