Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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