I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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