my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
