and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
