I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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