Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize