I bet he comes in French.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
