life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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