My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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