Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
