1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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