thus making me awesome and them whores
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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