We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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