Farmville is her only friend.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
