i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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