The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
