Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
