She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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