all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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