she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
