no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
