He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
