70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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