you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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