I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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