his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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