pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
