We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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