I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
