Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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