Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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