Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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