I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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