Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
