If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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