sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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