how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
