please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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