I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
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Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
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Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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