having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
